MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local Brooklynite Mario Mario was reportedly unable to get his resume under 10 pages following a bout of unemployment due to the coronavirus pandemic.
“Plumber? It’s a me. Doctor? It’s a me. Boxing referee? It’s a me. Professional tennis player, soccer player, baseball player, golfer, go-kart driver? It’s all a me,” Mario said, according to those familiar with the situation. “And those are just the a-ones people know about from my games. Not a lot of people would want to a-play Substitute Teacher Mario or Sous Chef Mario or Selling A Little Bit Of Weed To Make Ends Meet Mario.”
“I have so much experience and I will do a-literally anything,” Mario added. “I just want to a-get a new job and keep working so I can support my a-stupid brother, Luigi.”
According to close sources, Mario was let go from his job as an adventurer by the Mushroom Kingdom royal family due to not being an essential employee during the pandemic.
“No one’s going outside so princesses aren’t really getting kidnapped at the moment. It just didn’t make sense for us to have a full time princess-rescuer on our payroll anymore,” explained a member of the royal family who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s a sad thing, but what can you do? We’ve lost so much of our wealth because of the coins we leave around the Mushroom Kingdom, either in boxes or just laying around. We did set up a GoFundMe for Mario though.”
At press time, Mario was reportedly deciding whether to put “Became Paper” under “Additional Skills” or as its own former position.
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