CARIBBEAN SEA — Scattered flotsam is all that remains of Link’s ship after being struck by the US military, according to leaked Signal chats.
“I can’t believe they bombed Link,” said a clearly distraught Tetra, one of the diminutive hero’s adventuring companions. “He wasn’t hurting anyone, he was just out searching for treasure chests as he’s always done. I was out sailing and actually discovered the debris field. At first I thought the King of Red Lions had been attacked by a Gyorg, but when I spotted a Predator drone circling high above, I knew what had happened. I think the US military made a major mistake but are unwilling to admit to it. Instead, they’re doubling down, accusing Link of terrible, untrue things.”
Pentagon spokesperson Col. Francis Dufresne claims Link was transporting drugs and therefore represented a legitimate target.
“US intelligence has been aware of the narcoterrorist known as ‘Link’ for some time,” said the clench-jawed Dufresne. “Those who consider him a hero would be shocked to learn that Link was in league with some of South America’s most notorious drug traffickers. The insidious operation went like this: Venezuelan drug cartels would drop chests full of fentanyl into the sea and send a ‘treasure chart’ to Link, who would then use a grappling hook to retrieve them and bring them to the US. The amount of drugs in each one of those chests was enough to kill hundreds of millions of innocent, cherubic Americans.”
Link’s associate Tingle claims to have witnessed the attack from nearby Tingle Island.
“There I was at the top of Tingle Tower, enjoying the day’s first mojito, when I spotted something on the horizon,” said Tingle while pantomiming the scene. “I looked through my spyglass and saw the boat belonging to my good friend Mr. Fairy! I was just about to send a Fishman to tell him to swing on by for brunch when a missile dropped from the sky and obliterated the poor little guy! I was in such a state after witnessing that horrific event that I had to spend the rest of the week abed!”
At press time, Tetra announced that a battered Link had been found alive after washing up on a Puerto Rican beach.
This article is satirical. Hard Drive is a gaming/tech satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
