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Well, Well, Well: Guy Who Swears by Wired Headsets Has to Get Up for Something

FAIRFIELD, Pa. — Frustrated sources close to Ryan Dugas, a gamer who refuses to use wireless accessories and peripherals, say he interrupted a recent Call of Duty: Warzone session when he had to step away from his computer for a moment.

“I swear to God, we’ve been telling him this would happen,” said Nicole Weiner, one of Dugas’ squadmates. “He rants about audio fidelity and latency, but what the fuck does that matter when we’re taking fire and doesn’t even have his damn headset on? Sure, he’d be AFK anyway, but we could at least yell at him to hurry his ass back to his battlestation and get his soft-as-baby-shit hands on his fancy wired mouse and keyboard. Of course, there might be a little static in our cries for help, and that would ruin his ‘immersion.’ Jesus Christ.”

Dugas’ wife, Anne, shared the complexities of being in a relationship with someone who insists on using wired technology.

“He’s always asking me to do things for him because he can’t get up,” said Anne, who was relaxing by streaming a game on Xbox Cloud Gaming. “Like if there’s a package at the door, or if his laundry needs to be switched. It’s kind of bullshit, to be honest. The worst is when he needs me to bring him food. His gaming room is so hard to walk through because of all the wires. Everything is wired. His controllers, his climate-controlled gaming chair, literally everything. He has a landline phone in there. It’s impossible to walk through that room without tripping.”

When questioned about his opposition to wireless tech, Dugas deflected criticism.

“So I’m the bad guy because I want to maximize every advantage possible?” said Dugas, whose recorded audio was crystal clear. “Imagine if I lost a match in the gulag because there was a millisecond delay while the signal from my mouse click wandered aimlessly through the air rather than purposefully through a strand of copper. These guys might not find my ideas so crazy if that happened. As for why I had to get up, that’s none of their business. It’s the one thing Anne can’t do for me. Let’s just say that they certainly didn’t want a live audio feed of what was happening.”

At press time, unconfirmed sources reported that Dugas had returned to his gaming chair only to find that his cat had chewed through his mouse cable.

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