GREENSBORO, N.C. — Local gamer Harry Olsen continues to frustrate his friends with a total lack of awareness and poor decision-making both in Riot Games’ Valorant and in his everyday life, exhausted sources have confirmed.
“I don’t understand what everyone is getting so angsty about. How was I supposed to know Phoenix’s flashes don’t exist to beneficially brighten your teammates’ monitors?” protested Olsen, who has been unwittingly removed from multiple group texts. “Sorry, I’m in a terrible mood today. My roommates are pissed because I ordered pizza for us over and just assumed they had cash to pay for it. You would think after multiple instances of this happening, they would start going to the ATM ahead of time to anticipate our pizza needs.”
Even Olsen’s longtime best friend and neighbor Bess Walsh, who has known Harry Olsen since they were in elementary school, questioned the point of continuing their relationship.
“I’m not sure why we’re even still friends. I guess because our dads are friends? But every time I watch him shoot Sova’s recon bolt out of bounds or forget to feed my cat when I’m away, I second-guess everything that’s brought me to this point in my life. How many times can one person pick up the spike, then forget they have it two seconds later?”
Group therapist Dr. Dorothy Spano has noticed an increase in friend groups seeking group therapy for Valorant-based issues.
“It used to be that private group therapy was limited to dysfunctional families or Metallica,” explained Dr. Spano, whose practice has grown with an influx of eSports teams and MMORPG clans. “But now we’re seeing the strain that online games can have on real-world relationships due to miscommunication, lopsided responsibility sharing, and bush-league n00b shit. Like killing your own teammates because you’re trying to pull off sick jumps with Raze’s rocket launcher. Just stop it. You’re only going to get 200 Reddit karma for a clip like that anyways. Is that really worth risking your friendships or your teammates’ ranks?”
When asked for comment about his son’s character, Olsen’s own father grumbled that he had no idea what the hell Valorant is, but that Harry “always ran to third base instead of first.”
Check out our comedy podcast The Video Game Super Show! Show, in which two of our editors watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s Captain N: The Game Master: