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Update: All Those Guys Who Kicked Your Ass in Halo 2 Actually Were Gay and They’re Doing Great

WASHINGTON — A new report from the Biden administration has revealed that every player who was better than you at Halo 2 was indeed gay, and in fact, is doing better than you in their careers and personal lives.

“BXRing my way into two Killtaculars against their squad on Midship gave me a level of confidence I carried with me through my education, career, and social life,” said MAJOR CHAOS 007 about you as he lowered a bag of chamomile, letting it steep into the hot water in his mug. “I’m now a cardiologist and my husband and I just bought a house in Maine. We’ll be moving in with the kids and our bernedoodle Spartan before the end of autumn, which is lovely because we’ll get to see the leaves change.”

“Not to mention, I’ve been toying around with Halo Infinite recently,” he added, “and I’m still really sick at it! Thanks, muscle memory.”

While some are happily married, other gay players like Xx5L4y3r420xX have defined their objective superiority over you in different ways.

“After a pretty standard game of capture the flag for me, I remember getting two or three voice messages from the reader calling me gay. I was confused at first. ‘I like girls, how can I be gay?’ Turns out those voice messages were a catalyst that sent me on a journey of self-discovery and helped me realize a few years down the road that I am a gay trans woman,” explained Xx5L4y3r420xX.

“I really owe a lot to the reader for helping me find my true self after having captured all three flags against them on Coagulation in a complete shutdown,” she added. “I’m now a gender studies professor and advisor for the LGBTQ+ student organization at the local university. I aim to help other kids who are awesome at Halo better understand their sexuality and gender identity in the same way the reader of this article has done for me.”

At press time, your mother said that you still call her to ask how long your leftover macaroni and cheese needs to go in the microwave for.