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‘Try Not To Cum Challenge’ Champion Caught Using Performance-Enhancing Antidepressants

LOS ANGELES — Six-time ‘Try Not To Cum Challenge’ Champion Morgan Scutti was stripped of his title after testing positive for antidepressants earlier this week after Zoloft was found in his backpack and following a positive urine test, shocked judges announced.

“He was one of the best non-ejaculators the tournament has ever seen. He was the first one to ever last more than 5 minutes playing the game,” said Fred Tanner, one of the judges at the World Series of Trying Not To Cum Tournament. “Now his entire success is being put into question. We can’t tolerate behavior of this type in any way. It’s tragic to see someone disgrace the good name of free porn games like this. When people think of the Try Not To Cum genre now, all they will be thinking of is scandal. They should be thinking about the ultra realistic 3D rendering of simulated sex instead, that’s what really brings this community together.”

In response to the news, Scutti has lost many of his endorsement deals.

“When we made Mr. Scutti the face of our toothpaste, we did it because we thought he was a man who could control his ejaculation naturally while playing video games,” Crest Spokesperson Sarah Weinfeldt said over Twitter. “He will no longer be starring in commercials constantly explaining to people that the white stain on his pants was because he just brushed his teeth too haphazardly. His face is gone from all our boxes. We hope that the other companies who use him in their ads follow suit.”

This morning, after much silence, Morgan Scutti responded to the controversy with some prepared remarks in a press release.

“I’m not a perfect human being and my ruthless desire to win took the best of me,” Morgan stated. “I assure you all that this was a once in a lifetime slip. The past few years of quarantine lockdown have been making me extra horny. I feared this would hurt chances this year, and I knew I had to protect my reputation. I have nobody to blame but myself.”

At press time, Scutti announced in an attempt to move forward with his career that he would be moving forward with a promotional partnership with Zoloft.

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