SANTA DESTROY — A particularly harsh job market has caused famous assassin and self-proclaimed otaku Travis Touchdown to sell off his collection of anime figurines in favor of the less expensive and less visually appealing Funko Pops.
“Man, I hate these fuckin’ things, but I can’t afford Figmas or even Nendoroids anymore,” said Touchdown. “It’s rough out there, man! I used to be able to make a living wage as a famous assassin, killing people for money and clout with my beam katana. Now I have to drive for Uber Eats on the side, and I have to sell my toys just to pay the rent! What’s this world coming to?!”
Touchdown’s wife, Sylvia Christel, is not too keen on his latest purchasing decisions.
“They are so creepy, I cannot stand how they just sit on the bookshelf staring at us with their big beady eyes,” explained Christel. “And they all look the same! I try to support Travis’ hobbies and interests, I really do, but I do not feel comfortable having these in the house anymore. I feel like they are going to come to life or something and just… stare at us, I guess.”
Touchdown’s friends and acquaintances noted changes in his mood and appearance.
“It’s tough to see Travis like this, it really is,” said Shinobu Jacobs, Touchdown’s swordsman apprentice. “Collecting pieces of plastic from shows and manga that he loves makes him happy. And these Funko Pops just aren’t cutting the mustard for him, I can tell. I may not fully understand it, but I try not to question his ways. He’s… kind of an odd guy, but at the end of the day, he is a master of the blade. And I guess I have to respect that.”
At press time, Touchdown was seen staring at his wall of Funko Pops completely dead-eyed, almost as if he were possessed by them.