VICTORIA, British Columbia — A trans girl looking to climb Mount Celeste was left heartbroken today, after realizing her Estrogen injections didn’t grant her extraordinary mountain climbing abilities.
“I don’t get it,” said Lena Raine after attempting a “mid-air” dash and falling into a nearby pile of snow. “Where are my enhanced jumping abilities? My wall-climbing powers? Where are the magical blocks that can teleport me from one place to another? I’m beyond happy to be transitioning. I was just hoping I’d be able to sprint for longer than three seconds before collapsing.”
According to frequent climbers, Lena Raine isn’t the first trans girl to visit the mountain.
“You see it all the time,” said hardcore mountaineer Maddy Thorson. “I don’t know what it is, but trans girls are just drawn to this place. Some of them just want to climb, but others come looking for something. I caught a few of them digging through the snow for strawberries. One of them even showed up with a jellyfish parachute?”
With rumors about the platforming abilities of estrogen continuing to circulate, medical professionals have since stepped in to clarify matters.
“I’m afraid the science is still out on this one,” explained Dr. Mario Boulder. “But rest assured that we’re hard at work ensuring only those who need gender-affirming care can get their hands on this medicine. Namely, fascist freaks with receding hairlines.”
At press time, a slew of wealthy individuals were offering up massive bounties in exchange for “magical Estrogen”.
