WOODLAND HILLS, Calif. — Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk announced his retirement from skateboarding after colliding with an unusually large letter “K” during a recent skating session, sources confirm.
“This is the most upsetting announcement I’ve ever had to make,” said Hawk in an X post. “My medical team says that it’s highly unlikely that I will ever skate again after a serious accident involving an enormous, hovering letter ‘K’ that occurred inside a local warehouse. I didn’t think this would happen so suddenly. I was sure I had at least one more Sick Score in me.”
Witnesses at the scene of the accident said they immediately knew it was a serious medical event.
“It was absolutely gnarly, man,” said Brett Kirby, a local skater. “This dude was in the middle of a pretty good combo. He had strung some grinds and flip tricks together before landing into a manual. The guy dropped into the pipe and built his special meter a little, when suddenly he crashed into this huge ‘K’ that was just hanging in the air up there. I hadn’t even noticed it before he splatted into it. The weirdest thing is that the dude looked just like Tony Hawk.”
Friend and fellow skater Bucky Lasek expressed guilt over the incident, saying that he felt he had goaded Hawk into doing another run.
“We had just been messing around all afternoon. You know, like a free skate, no time limit,” said Lasek. “Eventually, I challenged Tony to a round of King of the Hill, which is a game that skateboarders like us play all the time in real life. I guess he felt pressured to go big so he could make sure that he held onto the crown. That must be why he didn’t notice a gargantuan letter ‘K’ just floating in space right in front of him. It’s hard to feel like I don’t carry at least some blame, here.”
At press time, police noted that they had found a secret video tape near the scene of the crime, but could not confirm if it was related to the incident.
