LOS ANGELES — In a surprise move, Warner Brothers Discovery has laid off everyone working on its upcoming unannounced video game adaptation. David Zaslav, WBD CEO and self-proclaimed media mogul, confirmed the layoffs during WBD’s latest earnings call, earlier this week.
“Layoffs are tough, I’ve been told,” Zaslav said in a Zoom video from the comfort of his super yacht, anchored somewhere off the coast of an island poors are not allowed to know about. “Yet, this round of layoffs adds a bit of authenticity to our upcoming video game adaptation. The studio who made the game was recently hit with layoffs, and now we are looking at a similar situation as we work to bring the game to the big screen. I hope fans see how dedicated we are to honoring the source material.”
After forcing two yacht crew members to fight to the death for the entertainment of the shareholders, Zaslav went on to share some additional details about the upcoming adaptation.
“I want you all to know, we are cutting corners wherever we can,” Zaslav said before pointing out a portrait of Jack Welch behind him and reminding everyone that they used to be “Jackin’ Buddies”. “We are leveraging AI to rewrite scenes on the fly, polish all CGI, and to take scoldings from executives who have no idea how to create anything but sadness.”
The video game adaptation, which has been in development for ten years, has reportedly cost the studio over $120 million. WBD CFO, Gunnar Wiedenfels, shared some of his concerns about the ballooning budget of the adaptation.
“I think I speak for everyone on the board when I say I am worried about where we are spending the company’s money,” Gunnar said, before reminding everyone of his genius rebranding of Max to HBO Max. “Why are we spending $100 million on a movie none of us care about? Let’s take a cue from our brothers and sisters at Microsoft. Let’s cut our losses and cut some fat bonus checks, you boners.”
At press time Zaslav bought another yacht from the deck of his old yacht.
