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Incredibly Realistic ‘Skate 4’ Makes Players Ration Little Cup of Salsa for Entire Burrito

LOS ANGELES — Anticipation for the fourth installment of EA’s popular Skate franchise has heightened after the company promised the game would have even more realistic details than ever, right down to a punishing salsa-to-burrito ratio at in-game taco spots. 

“You know that feeling when you unwrap a huge monster burrito and then you fish out what looks like a green thimble from the bottom of the bag?” asked EA spokesperson Colin Mahoney rhetorically at a recent press conference, eliciting knowing nods from the entire audience. “It just seems like it’s never going to work, but that tension is part of the fun. We want players to experience that authentic moment of despair in Skate 4.”

Mahoney also highlighted the new and improved ergonomic controls players will use when trying to stretch approximately two tablespoons of salsa over their swaddled half-pound of rice and meat. “We suggest using a light tapping motion against the side of the cup to control the speed. You’ll be rewarded with nice little dollops, lovingly rendered in all of their glory using the Frostbite physics engine. This isn’t just a button-mashing experience, there’s some real finesse involved, just like the rest of Skate 4’s gameplay systems.”

EA also announced that in addition to enhanced grinding and popping sounds, players will be able to hear the horchata sloshing around in their characters’ stomachs if they resume skating too soon after lunch. 

Reactions from fans were overwhelmingly positive, despite the inherent difficulty of the new features.

“I didn’t even get mad when they said it would be possible to get a few dry bites. That’s, like, part of being out there and really doing it.” said Skylar Wendt, 19. Wendt also stated, on an unrelated note, that his shoelace belt is meant to honor the band Sublime. 

At the end of the press conference, Mahoney reportedly tried to emphasize that the autosave feature lets players save the second half of their burrito and return to it later, but was promptly booed off the stage for suggesting such a thing.

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