MADISON, Wisc. — All consequences of a sedentary lifestyle can be averted with several half-hearted pushups, a local man reported yesterday.
“It was Sunday, and I was surprisingly lethargic after spending an entire week on the couch playing Elden Ring,” said IT technician Thomas Austar. “Luckily, I committed to ten solid pushups — both all the way down and all the way back up. Now I’m limber, reenergized and completely prepared to go bouldering for my cousin’s 21st birthday tomorrow.”
Austar, 32, credited his athleticism to a sporadic series of self-improvement efforts, including going for a walk around the block every month to mitigate a decade of sitting five feet from a 50-inch screen in the middle of the day, blinds drawn.
“Thomas is the most responsible patient I’ve ever had,” Austar’s physician Dr. Mary Hollis revealed. ”If he drinks an entire 20-fluid-ounce Mountain Dew at D&D night, he always makes sure to have a glass of water, too. He’ll heed my advice on snacking and eat plenty of popcorn, which is a vegetable. He worries about his aerobic exercise, but cardio is ultimately anything that gets your heart racing — like Rocket League, which is a sport, actually.”
Austar considers the balance of both physical and mental health to be the “ultimate personal responsibility.” His commitment to fitness is aided by “many, many herbal supplements” that help him to relax, get frequent naps and keep his appetite active.
“Thom’s cracked the code,” housemate and devotee Geoff Puglston said. “I was a slob before I moved in with him, but all I had to do was follow some practical advice like ‘eat a lunch with more than two colors in it’ and ‘remember to wriggle your toes when they go numb.’ Now, I have the chiseled physique of a marbled Greek statue.”
Austar’s health continues to improve, as his varicose veins have reportedly cleared up after “thinking about getting a standing desk one day.”
