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Stoner Relieved to Find Out RPG’s Combat Is Turn-Based

PHILADELPHIA — Local stoner Gareth Childers was relieved following his indica-induced decision to replay Paper Mario, realizing that the game’s combat system is turn-based, according to sources who are currently very aware that they have a tongue.

“My mom dropped off all my old video games from the house last weekend, so I figured I would replay a couple of them while I melt into the couch over here,” explained Childers, who just remembered that he put that DiGiorno pizza in the toaster oven a really long time ago. “Thank fuck I chose this game. I don’t remember much of it from when I was a kid, but being able to let the controller just sit while I stare at all the buttons trying to remember what it is they all do has really come in useful during these trying times.”

“One time I tried playing God of War while high,” he added. “I got so scared I threw up on myself.”

Game designer Shigeru Miyamoto explained his initial decision to make the game’s combat turn-based.

“Early during development, I was for sure aware that many of our players would choose to experience this game under the influence of marijuana. But none of us anticipated the level of burn-ward-grade weed that would eventually become available to the general public,” remarked Miyamoto on the current quality of dispensary grass. “It’s a good thing we had the foresight to design our combat this way. I took enough psilocybin during development to know that real-time combat was not an option. There’s only so much focus you can maintain on pixels as the universe loudly unravels around you.”

Paper Mario in-game companion Goombario is reportedly trapped in his own personal hell as he awaits Childers’ next combat maneuver. 

“My paper God! What sort of endless nightmare have I become trapped in?” exclaimed Goombario, who has been bouncing to that same loop of combat music for the past forty-five minutes. “All I need to do is ‘headboink’ this koopa one more time and we’re done. But this idiot controlling me has spent the better part of an hour Googling images of dogs that look like they have human teeth. Just turn the console off already! At this rate there’s no way you’re making it to the next save block anyway.”

At press time, Childers remembered the DiGgiorno pizza again, which has now been burned beyond any semblance of edibility.