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Starfield Imagines Imaginative Futuristic Worlds With Thousands of Pickable Locks

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Todd Howard announced today that the upcoming Bethesda Starfield will depict unthinkable futuristic worlds filled with pickable locks.

“Space is a wondrous place, full of anything you can imagine. And yes, one thing you can imagine is thousands of pickable locks,” explained Howard. “We worked with a lot of scientists and astronomers and, after years of research, we are pretty sure that the future is going to evolve in such a way that lockpicking, which is completely unimportant today, will have a great impact on society. Also you can go up that mountain if you want to — you just have to jump a lot.”

Some lucky playtesters are already getting to experience the bobby-pin filled world of Starfield.

“I really don’t think it makes sense,” said playtester Daisy Walter. “My character is a cyborg from a lava planet in the far reaches of the galaxy; why is he even bothering with opening doors in a minigame? The cyborg is super strong and he can throw boulders at enemies. Couldn’t he just, like, blast the door or something? With his gun-arm? I’ve brought this up to my superiors, but they just give me this weird fake smile and refuse to keep talking to me.”

Howard also teased other features coming to the game.

“We’re so excited to show off the world of Starfield, which is unlike anything you’ve ever seen,” Howard said. “Imagine a planet where, once you land, you can do literally anything you want. You can walk around and pick up plants to put in your inventory. You can buy and sell items while talking to merchants. Hell, you can even walk up to a bed in an inn, and for a price, sleep in it until whatever time you choose. The future is truly so strange and I think you’re all going to really enjoy exploring it.”

At press time Todd Howard was trying to get the only shipping copy of Starfield out of a safe that he had accidentally locked it into.

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