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Grizzled Nexus Modder Pulled Out of Retirement to Fix One Last Bethesda Game

LEXINGTON, Ky. 一 A former Nexus modder was called out of retirement to fix the latest bug-riddled masterpiece by popular game developer Bethesda Softworks, sources have confirmed. 

Nicholas Congin, 38, known in the Nexus modding community as D4rkXpl0it or “Xploit” for short, received his marching orders on Sep. 1 when Bethesda’s Starfield went into early access. His former colleagues in the Nexus community began spamming him with messages, begging him to “save” Starfield with his trademark blend of bug fixes and hardcore pornography.

“I started modding in 2010 with Fallout: New Vegas,” said Congin. “There were a couple game-breaking bugs that I fixed, like how none of the female characters had ginormous exposed breasts with realistic jiggle physics. Once ‘Massive Boobs Extreme + Bug Fixes 1.0’ went live, I finally put some respect on my name.”

Congin’s popularity grew as he modded 2011’s The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, adding volumetric weather affects, an improved inventory management system, and a penis-shaped sword named Cumslaught that could ejaculate fireballs. But when Congin attempted to add a compelling story and non-boring base building system to 2015’s Fallout 4, the process nearly broke him.

“Xploit was working on a really sexy mod that would’ve replaced Nick Valentine with Donkey Kong, but he just got burned out and bailed,” explained fellow modder Sh4d0wTh13f. “I didn’t think he’d mod again. That is, until I saw the long loading times and lack of full-on penetration in Starfield. I texted him, and he was like, ‘I saw. Already on it.’”

Bowing to peer pressure and popular demand, Congin set to work on optimizations for Starfield, including an improved upscaler, stabilized frame rate, and velvety smooth ass implants for Vasco the robot. Comments on his mods suggest that his fans are “able to run Starfield on a potato” and “blasting off in (their) pants” thanks to Congin’s contributions. 

Even Starfield game director Todd Howard is relieved to have Congin back in the community.

“At Bethesda we rely on unpaid modders to finish our games for us so that we can move on to our next paid projects guilt-free,” Howard explained. “Xploit is a big part of why I’m able to sleep comfortably at night. Plus, his Doja Cat Twerking Terrormorph mod doesn’t hurt.”