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Starfield to Take Place in Galaxy That Is Canonically 30 Frames Per Second

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Todd Howard confirmed today that Starfield will take place in a galaxy that operates at just 30 frames per second.

“We heard your complaints about the performance of our upcoming game Starfield and we wanted to let you know we came up with a solution: the whole galaxy where the game takes place actually, in-universe, is only able to function at 30 frames per second. Pretty cool, huh?” Howard explained. “We think this is an exciting opportunity for cool science fiction tropes never before explored in a massive role-playing game. What happened to this galaxy that made it 30 fps? How have the people living on these planets adapted to frame rate? And can the galaxy’s frame rate be increased? Well, spoiler for that last one, because the answer is no. It cannot.”

Upon hearing the news, gamers rushed to the internet to complain about the feature.

“This is so fucking stupid. Starfield set to be another huge disaster for Bethesda — the most overrated video game studio of all time. Nice job, Todd Coward!” said one Twitter user. “If I hadn’t already pre-ordered the deluxe edition of the game, I probably wouldn’t even play it. Another fail for Bethesda!”

“What a terrible way to fix the issue!” said a Facebook user. “They should have said it was because of wokeness. That would have actually been funny, and honestly, kind of true, if you think about it.”

Despite complaints, some fans didn’t mind the announcement.

“30 fps? What? Yeah, I’m not actually gonna play Starfield. I’m going to play my own version of the game that’s modded out the fucking wazoo before I even press the start button. Who gives a shit what the base game is?” said a Redditor. “I’m not playing a Bethesda game that doesn’t have me running from giant Hulk Hogans and Thomas the Tank Engines, and I’m not playing anything under 500 fps — which is how fast your eyes work in real life — so this shit is all moot to me.”

At press time, Howard announced that the galaxy where Starfield takes place may also canonically exist a few months later than people expected, if that’s OK.

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