NEW YORK CITY — Supervillains and buff gang leaders alike were pleasantly surprised to see a random street-tough goon was the person to land the killing blow upon Spider-Man, local sources have confirmed.
“I’ve been chasing after the guy for years, we’ve developed quiet a rapport, me and the Spider,” reminisced Flint Marko, a supervillain better known as the Sandman. “I honestly never thought of just surrounding him and kinda punching him in the street a bunch of times. But hey, good for the guy who got him. Guess I’ll look for a new guy to hate.’”
No one is more surprised than the random criminal who killed the beloved superhero
“It was an honor just to fight with the guy!” said Vince Browbird, who was merely trying to rob an old lady. “I mean some of my favorites have been incapacitated by Spider-Man. I never thought that I’d be the guy to end him. But yeah, turns out a crowbar to the head can kind of kill anyone. Even Spider-Man.”
Long time Spider-Man critic J. Jonah Jameson was elated to hear that the killing blow was dealt by a non ‘super-weirdo’.
“We’ve been in a non-stop celebration mode. Now that this spider has stopped rampaging our city I can go back to reporting on the news!” said the newspaper magnate. “If only my photographer got a good shot of what happened, but I haven’t seen that Parker kid in like a week!”
As of press time, Spider-Man’s funeral is set to be the same day as the random goon’s parade.