CULVER CITY, Calif. — Sony Pictures has announced plans to release a new Spider-Man villain solo movie every year until their demands are met.
“Unless you want to see a C-tier Black Cat solo film, you better start listening up,” said Sony Pictures president and cinematic terrorist Tony Vinciquerra. “First of all, we want a billion dollars. Second, we want to be able to use Spider-Man again. Third, we want the U.S. nuclear codes. You give us that, and maybe we can think of taking the Bad Bunny El Muerto movie off of our release slate. If not, we are going to keep churning out superhero movies for no one that look like they were made in 2005. You’ve been warned.”
The producers of the Sony Spider-Man Universe, which has never actually included Spider-Man, believe they can make these films perpetually.
“Tony isn’t bluffing; we have plans for the next dozen of these stinkers,” said Sony executive Donna Hinkle. “What’s crazy is this is our best effort. We are trying our hardest to make good movies that people like, but we keep coming up with a Morbius or a Madame Web. I guess the only thing to do with our level of incompetence is weaponize it and make ultimatums. Trust me, you don’t want to see our Sinister Six movie. It is absolute trash. Renny Harlin turned us down to direct. Renny fucking Harlin. That was a low moment for us.”
Although the prospect of a new Spider-Man villain film every year strikes a note of terror for most, fans of the SSU are overjoyed.
“I’m so pumped! Me and the other four fans are going to see it on opening night,” said SSU fan and idiot Ian Foles. “I’m hoping for a big team-up movie between Morbius, Madame Web, and Kraven the Hunter. How cool would that be? All of our favorite anti-heroes in one spot, ready to do some anti-heroics. As long as we keep away from crossing over with those dipshits in the MCU, things will be great.”
At press time the UN Security Council agreed to give Sony whatever they want as long as they didn’t make a Hobgoblin solo film.
Header image art by Hal Haney. Used with permission.
