TAMPA, FLORIDA — The family and friends of Gertrude Horowitz were devastated this morning to discover a semi-transparent button floating above the matriarch’s head prompting them to press “E to Interact”
“I was sitting by her hospital bed, eating breakfast and waiting for her to wake up. Some other family was meant to be coming later today,” said her son, David.
“That’s when I noticed a faint blue outline radiating around her, and her body started to make the Fortnite chest sound. I… I didn’t understand what I was seeing. Denial, I think. I hit ‘E,’ assuming it might help, but all it did was give me some EXP, show me her inventory, and start a new quest called Organize Funeral.”
David expressed anxiety about having to fairly distribute his mother’s loot, which includes several Gryphon’s Fangs, a +2 Flaming Katana, and an extensive collection of mid-century modern furniture.
“I just hope I hit my loot roll,” said her nephew. “Grandma’s katana is best-in-slot.”
The hospital is currently awaiting delayed autopsy reports, citing Gertrude’s ragdoll partially clipping into the wall and flailing everywhere.
“It’s a good thing that kid got to her inventory before she glitched out, because now the physics engine isn’t even displaying her model in the right spot. We can’t access anything,” reports a hospital janitor. “Might even have to call an admin.”
A memorial service is set to be held at Carson & Wortman Funeral Home in Carrollwood. The service will take place at 11 am tomorrow before she despawns.
In lieu of flowers, the Horowitz family asks for donations to the Clerical-Druidic Alliance. Donations will go towards healing magic outreach, directly protecting families from suffering more tragedies like this one.
