ATLANTA — A new study from the CDC confirms that collapsing into a pile of physics objects and loose limbs is unavoidable after death, sources have confirmed.
“We started our studies by looking at the corpses of rats, and when they’re dead we’re able to just throw them around wherever, we even managed to push one into a trash can,” recalled lead researcher Stephanie Colifare. “We tried everything to prevent this, but even after pacifist takedowns people and rats are still ragdolling. There’s just no way around it.”
In the wake of the news, some people have been coming to their local religious centers for a sense of comfort.
“It doesn’t matter if your soul is in the afterlife or not, that body of yours is going to flop around for eternity” Said Reverend Michaels of Elevate Bridgeport Church in Atlanta. “I heard that in the Vatican they have all the old popes in a basement because they don’t despawn.”
Scientists have been approved to start research trials into prevention of ragdoll corpses collapsing into funny poses.
“I was holding my grandmother’s hand when she passed away and when she finally crossed over that bridge she fully clipped through her death bed,” said a grieving man wiping away tears. “I just hope she’s at peace now.”
As of press time, an addendum to the report added that yes, the ragdoll corpses always keep their eyes open like that.
