WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm.
“I just felt like this is a fight I could afford to lose,” said Schumer. “It’s not like it’ll cost me any money or experience. My status is entirely unaffected by the outcome of this vote. I might need to use my ‘no’ on cloture to win a more important battle down the line, like if Republicans try to suspend elections or something. Even then, I might want to hold onto my cloture leverage—and probably unanimous consent, too—in case Donald Trump has a second form that I don’t know about yet.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said he was disappointed by Schumer’s decision.
“I actually did something this time, and Chuck totally screwed me,” said Jeffries. “He could have at least warned me that he was gonna chicken out so that I didn’t try so hard for no reason. I could have set this sucker to auto-battle and just checked out. Instead, I burned through most of my political cache points, only for Chuck to bail on me so he could protect his own inventory. Those points don’t regenerate very quickly, you know.”
Politics guide writer Ryan Hammet noted that, in his view, blame was shared across the entire party.
“It’s not like this fight was a surprise. This wasn’t a random encounter,” said Hammet. “This is a regular miniboss. These guys have seen them before. You don’t need a guide to figure out how to beat it. They had all the necessary tools at their disposal, and yet they couldn’t coordinate a unified response. The worst part is that this type of symbolic battle gives a ton of XP with the electorate. Now, when the big end-game fights come, they’re going to be severely underleveled. Honestly, Schumer and Jeffries are completely mis-specced already. The Democrats should have ditched those useless builds ages ago and started from scratch with AOC or someone.”
At press time, Schumer was seen googling the term, “how to unlock United States republic bad ending.”
