THE VILLAGE — A new person named Villager 2 has arrived to town with crafting knowledge and a desire to fuck someone, according go to those familiar with the situation.
“Here’s the deal, I’ve only existed for a short time, but I know everything I need to know about cutting wood, fishing, and making more of me,” Villager 2 said. “So when I came into town, I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get it: I approach another person, take them into a poorly-constructed house, and if we’re lucky we get a few sound effects before the both of us abruptly leave the house minutes later with a new baby. You know, fucking.”
The town’s original resident, Farmer, had been picking carrots from a garden outside their home when Villager 2 arrived.
“I had been doing the same repetitive action for the past 75 hours,” explained Farmer while continuing to pick carrots, “and that’s when I saw them. They said something so romantic I’ll remember it forever: ‘you have the most beautiful legs, arms, and a head I’ve ever seen, because that’s basically all you have.’ Then I was swept off my feet; we went into my house for a few hours, and eventually a baby came. I was confused during the entire fucking process but now I’m as happy as a villager can be.”
Though one town resident is happy, the other has reservations.
“I don’t know the first thing about raising no kid; I’ve barely been in this village a day, and who knows where I was before that,” said Villager 2, who changed their name to Logger after beginning to chop logs. “All we can hope is that the little one grows up soon so it can help its parents around the house. I mean that’s why we’re put here, to get more food and wood ready to make more food and wood, and fuck. So by that measure, having more people to make stuff just makes sense. I just hope I can tell us all apart because I’d hate to fuck my offspring by mistake.”
As of press time, Villager 3 had grown to a full adult, and began arguing with their parents after being named Miner because they wanted to be named Musician.