IRVINE, Calif. — A new report from within Activision Blizzard has confirmed that the company has begun using artificial intelligence to brainstorm new ways to abuse employees.
“We want to be perfectly clear: we are not using AI as a means to replace executives at Blizzard who work hard to abuse those who work under them. This is simply meant to be used as a tool for those who have hit a creative wall and want to brainstorm new ways to make their underlings’ lives a living hell,” said a representative from the company.
“Sometimes it can be hard to come up with a new disgusting thing to call a woman who works for you, or new degrading hazing game to make your new employees suffer through, or even just a random new direction for your AAA game that will take your overworked developers months to turn around even though you came up with it on a whim,” the representative added. “In these cases, AI can be a helpful brainstorming tool to make lives easier for our employees — but just the ones at the very tippy top of the company.”
Longtime fans of the company praised the new direction.
“It’s cool to see Activision Blizzard embracing new technology to innovate and try new things. Kudos to them!” said some crypto freak on Twitter. “Sure, maybe some people will be out of a job due to AI, but they can always learn to code, get a programming job at Blizzard, and be abused by AI in a whole new way!”
At press time, a report revealed that the company is also using AI to come up with new excuses for why they are abandoning features of its video games it promised to release.