NEW YORK — New York Police Department officers are currently engaged in the lengthy pursuit of an unidentified fugitive driving an unusually fast and luminous vehicle.
“Twenty minutes and the son of a bitch is still going,” one pursuing officer was heard saying over a police scanner. “This is ridiculous. We’ve tried everything. Boomerangs, wind-up toys, fucking squid ink—nothing works. And there he goes again! Drifting! In Manhattan. Gimme that. This is the police! Pull over and sit still, you jumpy fuck!”
NYPD narcotics officers executed a no-knock raid at the suspect’s Brooklyn home earlier today, finding a large supply of mushrooms and other contraband, but not the suspect himself. Traffic camera footage from around the same time shows the fugitive’s vehicle—not yet alight—swerving to avoid some bananas that had spilled out of a truck delivering to a Times Square grocer. NYPD located and converged on the suspect near Rockefeller Center, at which point officers say the suspect’s car “got all sparkly,” speeding out of reach of their cruisers and into Central Park.
“The guy clearly got his hands on a Super Star,” said Dex Amari, a witness and racing game enthusiast who recognized the distinctive glow blanketing the fleeing suspect’s vehicle. “The invincibility won’t last forever, though. I don’t know how it hasn’t already run out. But when it does, he’d better not be going off-road, except maybe in the subway. Otherwise, they’ll catch him for sure.”
As of press time, the fugitive has remained above ground, doubling back via Broadway and leading NYPD vehicles in what appears to be a series of loops through Midtown Manhattan. This story will be updated as it unfolds.
UPDATE: After losing its sheen of invincibility, the suspect’s vehicle drove through a thick column of steam and struck a parked bus outside St. Patrick’s Cathedral before NYPD officers arrived on scene and immediately fired 115 Bullet Bills in the fugitive’s direction. The suspect is currently presumed dead, but Amari, a research mycologist, claims that if any of the mushrooms found at the raided residence were green, the fugitive might still have a chance of survival.
