Press "Enter" to skip to content

Screaming White Women Swarm Pokémon Stadium to See Performance of Swift

ASHVILLE, Tenn. ー Over 100,000 screaming white women crowded Nidorina Stadium to see a performance of super star move Swift by Melody Pokémon Meloetta.

Though Nidorina Stadium is typically a competitive battling venue, Meloetta’s massive popularity meant that this was the only Ashville venue capable of containing the frenzied masses of white women, many of whom were “screaming, crying, spitting up” by their own admission.

One of the diehard Meloetta fans (or “Misties” as they call themselves) ditched out on work and wore a creepy homemade Pikachu disguise to conceal her identity. She asked to be referred to as “Mimi Cue” rather than her real name so as to avoid being fired.

“It’s like Meloetta sings in her song ‘Pichu,’” explained Mimi Cue, “‘They say Luvdiscs are for show, but I would die for you in secret.’ I don’t know if I would die for Meloetta, but I would definitely faint and be taken to a Pokémon Center before missing this show.”

Renowned Pokemon Professor Samuel Oak suggests that the key to Meloetta’s success as a performer is her ability to manipulate the emotions of her listeners.

“According to the Pokedex entries I had a 10-year-old fill out for me when I was on vacation, Meloetta’s songs are ‘sung with a special vocalization method that can control the feelings of those who hear it,” said Prof. Oak. “So when Meloetta describes everyone as a ‘sexy Bayleef,’ while she is just a ‘Pocket Monster on a hill,’ that resonates with white women everywhere. I don’t know much beyond that though, as I primarily listen to ska.”

Misties’ love for Meloetta only deepened after Team Rocket stole the master balls containing the Chatots she used to record her music. Keldeo Clarkson, another popular Pokemon celebrity known for her ability to talk seemingly endlessly, suggested that Meloetta re-record her songs and release them on new albums, each containing a Mystery Gift code for a shiny Squirtle, thereby undercutting Team Rocket at their own game. Though fans swarmed the album rereleases like a colony of Heracross in heat, nothing could compare to the sheer fanaticism of their excitement for Meloetta’s performance of Swift.

Whitney, the normal-type leader of Goldenrod Gym in Johto and spirited Ashville concert attendee, screeched every time Swift was mentioned, inadvertently lowering the defense of those around her by two levels.

“When Meloetta uses Swift and the stars shoot all over the audience, it’s like we’re all a part of her Pokémon journey,” Whitney exclaimed before singing, “‘Don’t you see the Starlys, the Starlys!’ ‘You drew Staryu around my Skarmory!’”

Residents in the area around Nidorina Stadium say the noise from the screaming white women became so loud during the Swift performance that even the Snorlax blocking the John Stonjourner Pedestrian Bridge woke up and wandered off to the hills somewhere.