MAUVILLE CITY, Hoenn — Local Pokémon trainer Ollie Bond reportedly keeps a copy of Gardevoir in a PC box labeled “work stuff,” according to sources snooping around to find information about it.
“Oh, uh, work stuff? Nothing important in there at all. Just some um… Dittos and other boring Pokémon,” Bond said, desperately searching for an explanation for why he had a hidden Pokémon PC box. “I certainly wouldn’t jack off to one of the Pokémon in that box haha. I mean, I wouldn’t jack off to any Pokémon. I don’t even jack off. I’m saving myself for marriage. Maybe even after that. Just…. Please stop standing there saying nothing. I get that you’re just a 15-year-old kid or whatever, but you just completely destroyed me in a battle, took my money, and now are just watching me unravel here. I gotta get out of here and, uh, do some…. work stuff.”
Despite Bond’s insistence that the box contained merely “work stuff,” other members of the Hoenn community were quick to discover the lone Gardevoir in there.
“Yeah, it’s on my fucking PC. Of course I can see what’s on it,” said local PC owner Bill. “The thing is, though, he’s a Pokemon trainer. No one would have thought it was weird if he had a box with a Gardevoir in it. Truly, no one would have noticed! But the fact that it’s labeled ‘work stuff’ and he kept insisting it’s just taxes until I told him you can’t upload taxes to a PC… that’s what makes it weird. And then I googled ‘Gardevoir drawings,’ and well, I guess what I would say is that what I saw there was nothing short of horrifying.”
At press time, Bond tried to defend himself by insisting that the Gardevoir, whom he claimed to have never met, had cast both “Charm” and “Confusion” on him.
