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Game Freak Reveals Poké Dolls Are Actually Taxidermies

TOKYO — Game Freak revealed today in a press release that the in-game items in Pokémon known as “Poké Dolls” are actually canonically taxidermies.

“Yes, of course. People didn’t know this? The Poké Dolls in every Pokémon game are taxidermies — dead Pokémon that were preserved with stuffing for display. Every time you use a Poké Doll, you’re using a Pokémon that was once a living, breathing creature. Many of them were close friends with trainers, even!” said Pokémon creator Satoshi Tajiri. “I’m honestly surprised that people didn’t realize this. What, did you think someone just made a doll from thin air? No, they take the carcasses of dead Pokémon — often the ones you’ve defeated in battle, but could not be revived — and stuff them into what your character uses. Why did you think that they help you escape a battle? Because they’re cute? No, they’re really really creepy and weird! That’s the whole point.”

Fans of the series were upset by the announcement.

“Why did they have to reveal this? I don’t want to have an item that’s a dead Pokémon. What the fuck?” asked one Redditor. “How come every time Game Freak shows up with some big announcement about the games, it’s some insane shit that no one wants. Why couldn’t they announce something like a Pokémon MMO or even just a game that has voice acting in it. Instead, it’s always something like, ‘hey by the way, the series you’ve loved your entire life is kind of a horror if you think about it.’ I don’t want to think about that! I just want the games to keep getting better and I want to post drawings I’ve made of the characters online and that’s IT.”

At press time, Game Freak also revealed that, while none of the trainers you battle with are literally dead, most of them are dead inside.