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Personality Quiz Reveals You Could Never Be a Sonic Character

Sonic the Hedgehog has a huge cast of iconic characters. From the titular Sonic with his cool and carefree personality, to his friends like Knuckles, whose hot-headedness might remind you of yourself. It’s only natural to think that your personality could match up with one of the colorful critters.

Unfortunately, you aren’t even half the person most Sonic characters are and you never could be.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think otherwise? Did you really expect to be Sonic? He’s a goddamn hero who has saved the world more times than he can count. What are you doing? Taking a quiz, trying to reach some labored form of self-understanding through an online quiz telling you which ’90s video game character you are. Sonic overcomes world-ending catastrophes every other Tuesday, while you get into Twitter arguments about how long his quills should be.

“Well, maybe not Sonic, but I could be Tails!” I hear you say. Yes, Tails, the 8-year-old genius with a pilot’s license. Don’t kid yourself. Tails has the courage to never give up and follows Sonic through even the most dangerous situations. You couldn’t even finish typing up that text to your friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Tails wouldn’t let his fear of an awkward social situation stop him, unlike you. Not to mention, you don’t even have one tail, let alone two.

Let me guess, do you think you’re Shadow? You wish. His emotional immaturity is due to seeing his only family murdered in front of him. Yours is because you were placed in gifted classes.

 I see you scrambling around, trying to find even a side character that you could slip into. Blaze? Nope. Vector? Nope. Big? Big The Cat? Are you kidding me? Not a fucking chance. Big has an unmatched fishing ability and has an undying dedication to his friend Froggy. You have nothing like that. You’re just some guy.

Now get out of here before you start trying to figure out what Mario character you are. You’re Yoshi.