It is time for our nation to come together and agree that my controller is being weird as hell right now and that’s the only reason I’m not kicking your ass in this game!
I have the top score in country! Why is it doing that? My controller’s being super weird. I’m hitting the button, I swear to God. Watch me, I’m pressing X and nothing is happening! What is wrong with me today? This shit’s totally broken. Can we restart?
This is such bullshit. Look, I’m hitting the buttons! Something must be blocking the sensor, when’s the last time you dusted the TV? You really should put down your controller for a minute and let me get a few hits in, that’s the only thing that would make this fair.
You should try unplugging your router and plugging it back in. Dude, I KNOW this game doesn’t connect to the internet, but clearly something’s fucked here. Come on, I don’t get it! This was working yesterday, I was able to do this whole thing. Let me try standing up and see if that helps, I usually play better when I’m standing up.
Let’s try again but can we switch controllers? You gave me the shitty one. Oh my fucking god. You’re not going to believe this shit. Now your good controller is being weird. Look, it won’t let me do it!
Actually, I know what it is, it’s because you have an PlayStation and I’m used to playing it on a Xbox. It’s totally different, the controller’s calibrated all different! I wanna go home. My stomach hurts.