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Oblivious RFK Jr. Still Mashing Away on Unplugged Controller

ATLANTA — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, was reportedly still hammering buttons on an unplugged controller that he was handed shortly before last Thursday’s debate, sources confirm. 

“He just kept whining that he wanted to play ‘debate,’” said Jake Tapper, CNN anchor and one of the debate’s moderators. “We needed to shut him up somehow, so we sent a PA to find an old MadCatz PS2 controller. They gave it to Kennedy and told him it was what the pros used when they debated. He totally bought it. I even saw him turn on turbo mode. I guess it worked too well, since now he won’t leave. We really need to strike this set.”

Kennedy briefly responded to questions before shooing reporters away, claiming that he was nearing a high score and they were distracting him.

“The obsequious fawning that the media performs toward figures such as Anthony Fauci cannot be ignored,” said Kennedy in a distant voice, a hollow echo that had somehow slithered into our world from some unwholesome dimension. “Just like you cannot ignore this sick combo that I’m pulling off. I might be the best to ever do it. This game must have been vaccinated, because I’m about to hit a kill screen, for sure.”

Political historian Lindsey Devine noted that, while the event itself may be unprecedented, it did not surprise her.

“The two major parties have been looking for a solution to this dilemma for years,” said Devine. “They let Perot play in the nineties, and that wasn’t fun for anyone. I heard that they were going to try this trick with Nader, but Mr. Consumer Reports demanded a first-party controller, and no one was going to spring for that. Of course, all of the Libertarian Party candidates refuse to play multiplayer games, and the Greens only play ‘Escape from Tarkov’ for some reason. This was really their first chance to try this strategy, and you couldn’t ask for a more gullible target.”

At press time, Kennedy was overheard saying that he still had a few rounds in him, bragging that he clearly had more stamina than the other candidates.

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