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Nintendo Leaks Confirm Mario’s Voice Changing “Due to Puberty”

KYOTO, Japan — Recently obtained documents revealed previously unknown information regarding the decision to use a new voice actor for the main character in Nintendo’s upcoming title, Super Mario Bros. Wonder.

“Yes, my special plumber friend is going through some changes,” read a leaked email from series creator Shigeru Miyamoto. “That is why we are calling the next Super Mario Bros. title a ‘Wonder.’ The game will explore the confusing magnificence of puberty, one of the most interesting and wonderful parts of life. I guess you could say Mario will be getting a permanent Super Mushroom! Consequently, Charles Martinet is no longer fit for the role. This is all I will say on the matter.”

Fan reaction to the news has been mixed, with many expressing puzzlement.

“I just don’t understand what they mean,” said Bobby Dalton, who said he has been playing Mario games for over 30 years. “Mario is an adult, right? Like, he has been, for the entire series. Mario and Luigi run a whole plumbing business. He’s got a mustache. We even see a baby version of him in some of the games. He’s definitely fully grown.”

Video game historian Marian Powers said that Nintendo isn’t the first developer to explore the tumultuous period of life through the lens of gaming.

“Interestingly, Sega actually beat Nintendo to the punch on this issue,” said Powers. “They released Sonic Unleashed in 2008. It’s impossible to see the Werehog form as anything other than a huge metaphor for the horrors of puberty. It seems that Nintendo is trying to distinguish their game by examining the thrilling, colorful side of puberty rather than focusing on the negative parts like Sega did.”

At press time, Nintendo had released a statement noting their policy against commenting on rumors, then asked if fans had any good tips for fighting acne.