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Nintendo Confirms That, Were He Given a Gun, Mario Would Lack the Desire to Kill

KYOTO, Japan — In case anyone might have thought otherwise, several higher-ups at Nintendo have clarified that, were he in possession of a firearm, Mario would still lack the desire to kill.

“I know what you may be thinking,” Shigeru Miyamoto explained in a press conference. “Haven’t we seen Mario with a gun before? We’ve seen him wield a Super Scope in Yoshi’s Safari, dual wield blasters in Mario + Rabbids Kingdom Battle, and pick up whatever ammunition he could get his hands on in the Super Smash Bros. series. But rest assured: any firearm normally wielded with the intent to kill would not be done so in the hands of Mario. That is a fact.”

When pressed to elaborate on the surprise announcement, Miyamoto produced a handgun.

“Go ahead, try it,” Miyamoto continued. “Put a pistol in Mario’s hands and see what happens. The two of you alone in a room, Mario with a gun pressed against your temple—you’re still walking out of that room alive, I promise you.”

Concerned that something may have been lost in translation, Doug Bowser, the president of Nintendo of America, who was also in attendance, further echoed the sentiment. 

“What Mr. Miyamoto says is 100 percent true. Should Mario ever have the barrel of a gun in your mouth, resting on your tongue as your teeth chatter against its cold, metal exterior in fear, worry not: we have made sure that whatever genetic disposition that causes one human to snuff out the life of another would not be present within Mario, or his brother Luigi, for that matter.”

Bowser then turned solemn and, after an awkward silence, prompted Miyamoto to continue with the next announcement.

“We… unfortunately cannot say the same for Wario,” Miyamoto said, eyes facing the floor. “We’ve tried everything in our power to make sure we could say the same for all of the characters we create here at Nintendo, but something went horribly wrong during the development of Wario. I fear him, and I worry that should that fear ever subside, that would be the moment Wario would appear and take my life.”

One reporter asked if they were aware that these characters are all, in fact, fictional. The team at Nintendo all shot each other a knowing glance and the meeting was abruptly adjourned.

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