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Nintendo Announces F-Zero Traffic Jam

KYOTO — The most recent Nintendo Direct presentation announced the latest game in a franchise which had lain dormant for some time: F-Zero Traffic Jam.

“We hope you’ll look forward to this next game,” said presenter Yoshiaki Koizumi as the screen dimmed to black, and an F-Zero trailer played which he began to talk over. “It’s been a long time since we’ve released an F-Zero game, so please look forward to F-Zero Traffic Jam, which allows players from all over the world to wait patiently while they hope to come in first place and reach their destination on time.”

Fan reception was mostly positive, though somewhat divisive.

“This isn’t exactly the F-Zero game we were hoping for, but it’s been a long time so I’ll take it,” said twitter user FalconPunch49. “Being stuck in traffic with 98 other players in real-time sounds like a wildly exhilarating premise. I just hope that Nintendo’s online infrastructure can handle all the GPS reroutes!”

Takashi Tezuka, a senior officer of Nintendo’s Entertainment Planning & Development division, elaborated on the inspiration behind the game.

“We’re often asked to visit from overseas for events like E3, PAX, and things like that,” explained Tezuka. “Traffic in America is bad– especially in Los Angeles. Honestly, we hate visiting there so much, but at least we were able to mine some inspiration out of the awful experiences. It’s the only thing that can curb my road rage.”

At press time, fans hoped that if they continued to play the game and wait in traffic long enough, that Nintendo would take notice and release the new F-Zero game that they had actually been hoping for.