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Nine-Year-Old Uses Fake ID to Purchase E10+ Game

Evansville, IN – Police are asking for help tracking down a delinquent nine-year-old who used a fake ID to purchase a game rated for individuals older than her.

The child, Susie Tribonni, has a warrant out for her arrest after she managed to buy a copy of Pikmin 4 using what looked like a state-issued ID that claimed she was 11 years of age.

“I knew somethin’ was fishy about that kid,” claimed Michael Stuglolz, the unfortunate GameStop employee who waited on Tribonni. “Like, I could tell she was uneasy, but I didn’t really have a leg to stand on; she was a young kid, and I thought she had the proper identification. Just goes to show that you can never trust someone these days, even kids buying friggin’ video games.”

Stuglolz was questioned by officer Mick Noltee, a 15-year veteran of the Evansville Police Department, who said he’s had to deal with offenses like this more frequently in the past few years.

“It’s honestly sad to see” explained Noltee, who said the community had changed quite a bit since he first started on the force. “Kids these days are becoming criminal masterminds before they’ve even left kindergarten. Any youngster can go online and find ten different YouTube clips that show how to make fake I.D.s, and it looks like that’s what happened here.

“Tribonni broke the law because she wasn’t properly taught that a fantasy sci-fi adventure game where you control herds of sapient aliens that carry out tasks for you is too much for anyone under the age of ten to understand. Once we find her, we’ll be sure she learns that lesson.”

As of press time, Tribonni was still at large, and police are warning the public that she could be armed with a copy of Sonic Frontiers.