MIAMI GARDENS, Fla. — A group of analysts have simulated this year’s Super Bowl using NFL Blitz for the Nintendo 64, and they warn that the results indicate that this year’s game will be the most horrifically violent by a significant margin.
“It’s going to be a bloodbath,” concluded Leslie Algore, a statistician that ran over 100 simulations of this year’s contest between the Kansas City Chiefs and the San Francisco 49ers. “It is a very close matchup, and some things are gonna come down to the wire, but one thing we are certain of is that this game will absolutely be hard to watch, due to the extreme displays of violence and unsportsmanlike conduct.”
In addition to a final score of 18-2, the software simulation also forecasted several controversies sure to be instigated by the showdown, including the referees being scrutinized over the lack of penalties and ejections.
“Yeah, I know we know a lot more about concussions and things like that these days,” said Bill Vinovich, Head Referee at today’s championship game. “So we’ll keep an eye out. On the other hand, this is the big show, and we’re gonna let the boys go a little. I can’t promise we’re going to call every little frog splash or flying leg drop. It is football, after all.”
The most notable Super Bowl predictor in recent years has been the Madden franchise, but after a recent run of misfires, more and more other titles are being used to forecast outcomes.
“Madden has been wrong for four out of the last six years,” said Algore. “We think it’s pretty clear that we should start using some other games to figure this stuff out. Sadly, John Madden and his crew of bullies wander around the country in a tour bus shutting down any alternatives to Madden being produced. So alas, we will be using Blitz for the foreseeable future.”
At press time, Vegas had posted a prop bet at three to one odds that Jerry Rice makes a surprise comeback to the gridiron, only to be forced back into retirement after being repeatedly piledriven by Chiefs defenders.
Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
