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New Nintendo Direct Entirely Stardew Valley Rip-Offs

TOKYO — The newest Nintendo Direct revealed 40 minutes of rip-offs of the game Stardew Valley, according to those familiar with the situation.

“You fuckers like farming, right?” said a monotone English voice over the Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa speaking Japanese. “Well here’s a whole bunch of games that are just What If Stardew Valley Was in Ugly 3D. Some of them are new, some of them are old, but all of them have a thing where you can go into a cave and fight goblins. And if you’re still on the fence about buying it, boom: here’s some fishing. Try not putting 250 hours into that, asshole. The first Harvest Moon was on Super Nintendo so that Ape guy should be Concerned about ripping us off, if anything.”

Nintendo fans were conflicted about the announcement.

“That was a cool Direct,” said one fan. “I’m most excited for Fae Farm, Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life, Rune Factory 3: Special, Mario Farm, FarmGo, Nintendo Farming Sports, Breath of the Harvest 2, and that one game that looked like Stardew Valley. Wait, that was a few of them, actually.”

“I really just wanted to see a clip of the new Mario movie,” said another fan. “I didn’t need to see 3 minutes of Chris Pratt silently farming.”

At press time, Furukawa admitted that the reason behind all the games was that his grandfather had just passed away and left him a large farm in a quiet little town in his will, but he was unsure of how to get started.