NEW YORK — Living rooms and family rooms across the country have been nearly destroyed by rambunctious tweens following the release of “A Minecraft Movie” on the HBO Max streaming service, concerned parents report.
“Dear God, we just bought that sofa,” said Amy Lark, 43. “Now it’s covered in Gogurt and Feastable crumbs. He didn’t even have any friends over! He just asked if he could use his screen time to watch a movie, and I had all the parental restrictions set up, so I thought it was fine. Since he was six, watching a movie alone has always meant 90 minutes of free time for me. And now there’s Cherry Freeze Prime on the ceiling. And don’t get me started on the carpet—he smashed all of our lamps onto it then dumped a bunch of houseplants on top of that. I’m trying to clean it up, but it’s all wet for some reason. Oh. Oh fuck. It’s piss. He pissed on the carpet.”
Lark’s son described the experience of watching the movie from the comfort of his own home.
“Hahaha, yeah, I fucking pissed when Steve said, ‘Chicken Jockey!’” said Ayden Lark, 13. “It fucking ruled. My boy Derrick did it after he saw about it on TikTok, and now all the boys are Pissin’ for Chicken. I can’t believe I can watch this movie every day now. I can even just watch the Chicken Jocky clip over and over! We don’t need to get our moms to drive us to the theater and then yell at the employees for getting mad at us anymore. This is, without a doubt, the best time to be alive.”
Movie theater employees expressed a reserved sympathy for the parents who were now forced to deal with this behavior.
“It’s horrific, and no one should have to go through it,” said Zach Beatty, 23, an AMC employee. “I remember what it was like here, but I can’t even imagine what it’s like at home. Sure, we had to deal with popcorn and soda, but now these monsters have access to Lunchly. You start throwing that stuff around a living room, it’s practically a biohazard. You’ll never get rid of the mold. On the other hand, if these people had spent literally any time actually parenting their kids, it’s reasonable to assume that none of us would have had to deal with any of this. It’s hard not to see it as a form of karma.”
At press time, reports of living room destruction had grown even more dire after a rumor spread that it was possible to construct an End portal out of drywall, cushion stuffing, and copper wire.
