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MGM Confirms Next Bond Film Will Be Slappers Only

BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. — James Bond production company Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer announced that the next film in the series would not only feature a brand new actor in the iconic role, it would also be built around melee combat with no use of weapons or items whatsoever.

“It seems like the next logical step for us to take after the success of Craig’s run,” said Barbara Broccoli, Bond producer. “We made the radical decision to retire the fantastical gadgets and make a more grounded film with ‘Casino Royale.’ That movie set the tone for a whole new era. We got to see a different type of Bond, one simultaneously more vulnerable and more physical. The only way to recreate and heighten that feeling is to take his guns away entirely.”

The decision has been seen as controversial, with even former Bond actors expressing uncertainty regarding the franchise’s direction.

“I don’t know what I would have done without that little Walther PPK,” said Pierce Brosnan. “I mean, it was just so sexy. I am already a very handsome and suave man, but Bond needs to be almost supernaturally attractive. Sure, the suit helps, but accessories really make the look. I don’t think there’s a good alternative to guns when it comes to accessorizing Bond. Honestly, though, it would have made my face look a lot less weird on the ‘Goldeneye’ N64 cartridge if they hadn’t made me hold a gun. Maybe they have a point.”

Others within the industry were entirely against the idea.

“What the hell?” said Matt Damon. “That’s literally just the Bourne franchise. As if they hadn’t stolen enough from me already. Are they also going to copy our jittery, incomprehensible camera work? Maybe Jeremy Renner will come in and carry a movie as a totally different character while Bond chills in the Caribbean or something. I bet if Robin Williams were still with us, they’d have him come in and help Bond deal with his trauma. It’s BS.”

At press time, Broccoli and her co-producer Michael G. Wilson released a casting call for actors with enormous, DK-sized heads.