CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Local Metroidvania enthusiast Thomas West recently used a clever backtracking maneuver to locate his car in the parking garage.
“Took me forever to find this thing. First I went around punching walls to see if any of them would break, thinking maybe I parked on the other side. A couple did break, but all I found was some first aid kits and a couple of guns. I have enough of those already,” said the Castlevania superfan, standing next to his Honda Civic. “I even took the time to learn an army crawl to get through that narrow opening by the elevator. I also hung off the ledge by the snack machines to get a better view, but no luck. In the end, it turned out I had already passed my car earlier, it was just slightly outside my field of vision. Go figure.”
West was not the only one frustrated with his Metroid-esque struggle to find his vehicle.
“I’ve been waiting here all day to give this dipshit a ticket,” said security guard and final boss Tyler Amato. “I saw on the security cameras, he went through the same places five or six times. He found all of the guns and first aid kits I hid, but he’s also really fucked up our walls. All I know is this asshole parked in a handicapped spot, and when I see him it is on sight. He better have all the moves he needs, otherwise he is getting thrown right back down to ground level.”
Apparently this level of confusion was more than accidental.
“People should fumble around looking for their cars for hours,” said part-time parking lot designer and Castlevania creator Hitoshi Akamatsu. “Why would we allow the driver to find their car immediately? Where’s the fun in that? Being able to drive without fruitless and irritating searching is like getting to eat steak without raising and slaughtering the cow yourself. When I design a parking garage I try to make it as Byzantine and confusing as possible.”
At press time, West had realized he actually left his car keys somewhere else, meaning he had to start all over again.