Ho-ho-hail to the king, baby! It’s me, God’s gift to women, Duke Nukem, here to wish you season’s greetings…or at least, that was the plan, but I’m a little worse for wear from all of the revelling I’ve been doing lately. Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the sleigh, or maybe Dancer and Vixen jingled my bells of steel a little too hard back at the club last night. Either way, it all amounts to a stocking full of tough shit for you, my friend, because it’s Pissmas, which means it’s time to kick ass and spread cheer…and I’m all out of cheer.
What’s the matter, maggot? Wondering what I’m doing here in your living room in the middle of the night? It was easy, like that old song that your mommy used to sing when you were just a sniveling little candy-cane-assed baby. Up on the rooftop, click-click-click…down the chimney comes THE DUKE, with enough 9-millimeter lumps of coal for any naughty boys and girls who’re feeling brave enough to cross me. Hell, I’ll even give some to the good boys and girls, too. I’m an equal opportunity asskicker, but you already knew that, didn’t you?
Rub your eyes a few more times if you want, pal, but I ain’t going anywhere. Your ass is grass and I’m here to mow it down. Don’t give me that innocent look. You used to put my games on your sorry little wishlist back in the good old days, but then the Duke’s chips were down for a couple of years and when I was finally back on top, you conveniently forgot all about me. You didn’t ask for Duke Nukem Forever for Christmas in 2011, you didn’t check up to see how I was doing in the past eight years since then….hell, you didn’t even leave out any cigars or whiskey for me tonight. And that puts you on my naughty list, dirtbag!
So here’s what’s gonna happen next. Jolly Old Saint Duke is gonna sit down in this nice comfy chair, and then you’re gonna go get some brown liquor out of the cupboard in the other room for me, sit on my lap, and tell me all the reasons why I shouldn’t deck the halls with your sorry ass. If you sway me, I’ll spare you. Hell, maybe I’ll take you to meet Dancer and Vixen and the rest of the babes. And if you even think about pulling out your phone and sneaking a call to the cops without me catching on, just try it. You of all people know better than to bet against Duke.
What’s that…are you crying? Suck it up, put a smile on, and go make my drink, motherfucker! This is the most wonderful goddamn time of the year!
Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
