MEGA CITY — Robot hero Mega Man inflicted a prolonged, brutal beating upon his adversary Ice Man, according to horrified fellow level bosses who witnessed the attack.
“I kept trying to explain to him that I’m called Ice Man because of my ice powers,” said Ice Man from his hospital bed. “I have no affiliation with Immigration and Customs Enforcement. But he wouldn’t listen—he was blind with rage and kept attacking me over and over, calling me a ‘class traitor’. However, I would like to take this opportunity to add that I do have great respect for ICE and what they’re doing, and would love to help their mission any way I can. Plus that $50k signing bonus is a pretty sweet deal.”
Ice Man’s colleague Guts Man has had several run-ins with Mega Man in the past, but has never seen him deliver such a vicious assault.
“I’ve had my ass kicked by Mega Man a bunch of times,” said Guts Man. “We all have, but it’s never been anything personal. Mega Man and I have even gone out for beers a few times and he explained his real beef is with Dr. Wily. But what I saw when he went after Ice Man recently was totally different. He blasted Ice Man over and over with his arm cannon while yelling things like, ‘Eat this, fascist scum.’ Then he spent twenty minutes just slapping him around. I was going to intervene, but frankly, Ice Man’s always been kind of a prick and he sort of deserved it.”
Mega Man’s creator Dr. Light believes he can explain Mega Man’s uncharacteristic use of extreme violence.
“I programmed Mega Man to have a strong sense of justice, which has been on display throughout the years as he’s vanquished the creations of Dr. Wily,” said Dr. Light. “Due to recent geopolitical developments, I slipped in some new code that allowed for a more vigorous reaction when confronting the particular threat of fascism. It seems that in this case, Mega Man’s systems determined that Ice Man was a member of ICE, which explains his aggressive response. I may have to do a little more debugging still.”
At press time, Ice Man had appeared on a number of manosphere podcasts to insist he only lost the fight because he had a cold at the time.
