KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo confirmed today that Mario Party Superstars will feature computer players with advanced AI that allows them to recreate the experience of waiting forever for your fucking turn.
“We wanted to recapture the feeling of playing the original Mario Party with others,” said Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa. “So, we have developed an AI that takes so long making decisions that you’ll regret choosing to play Mario Party in the first place. The AI is highly advanced and will make you feel like you’re playing with the real thing; it even complains that it has the ‘bad controller’ even though it doesn’t need to use one!”
Many gamers were excited at the chance to relive the halcyon days of the N64.
“I cannot wait to play all the minigames I remember from my childhood,” said Mario Party superfan Barry Tolley. “I also can’t wait to have to sit for like ten minutes while the computer opens up the map to try and find where the star is for the fifth time. I always say a game of Mario Party isn’t complete unless it goes on for upwards of two hours.”
Nintendo also announced several other AI features coming to the new game.
“Not only will it take forever, but the AI will shut off the console if it detects that it is going to lose,” Furukawa said. “We are also happy to announce that the AI will take at least five minutes on the minigame directions screen to figure out its gameplan before finally going in and losing. All these things combine to create the most accurate representation of the Hell that is playing Mario Party with your annoying friends.”
Nintendo also showed off an exciting feature where the AI will complain throughout the entire game about how it would be having much more fun playing Super Smash Bros.
