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‘Mario Kart’ Announces DLC Truck Nuts

KYOTO, Japan —  Mario Kart producer Hideki Konno released a video announcing that while Mario Kart 9 will not be released anytime soon, Mario Kart 8 will continue to release DLC, most notably a set of truck nuts coming to the game very soon. 

“You’ve got to choose your character, your vehicle, your wheels, your gliders, and now players will finally be able to choose what nuts should dangle off the back of their karts,” Konno explained in shocking Nintendo Direct released earlier this morning. “You will be able to choose from options such as ‘Classic’ style, spotted for toad, some big hairy ones for Tanooki, and much more! We’ll leave what’s going on with the Dry Bones ones as fun surprise for everybody.” 

Programming Director Tatsuya Takadera appeared onscreen next to explain further.

“Each truck nut will have its own advantages and disadvantages to the physics of your kart,” he said. “Many will add a little weight, but increase the acceleration. Meanwhile, King Boo Balls will be all about that drift. You’ll have to see for yourself which combination is best, but I recommend everyone try out the Gold Mario Truck Nuts on the Wild Wiggler. Especially when they get cracked by a red shell.”

Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser appeared next, as the truck nut-focused video breached the half hour point. 

“Nintendo America has had a great deal in advising the nuts to make sure they are really captured authentically,” he said.  “Let’s face it, nobody knows truck nuts like Americans. This is only the beginning, too. After a few more months of crunching, we will soon be able to include COEXIST bumper stickers, Calvin peeing decals, and back seats filled with fast food wrappers.”

The truck nuts update, known as Ver 2.4.1, will be released on Feb 17th, 2024 to coincide with Larry The Cable Guy’s birthday.

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