I haven’t slept in three days. I’m on my way to meet Luigi, the idol of my childhood. Sure, Mario was the flagship character and probably the one person most associated with gaming, but for me, and I suspect many younger brothers of the world, our bond was formed with Luigi. Where most people looked at us and saw a palette swap, Luigi was there to prove that younger siblings are more than just uninspired sequels. He was the one we looked up to. He was the one we wanted to be. He was the one I’ve been up all night sick about meeting.
I raced across town to meet the man that had given me confidence in my youth, arriving 15 minutes early to the Bob Evans Luigi had asked to meet at.
To my surprise, there was Luigi already seated in a booth. My childhood hero had his face laid on the table, and he was sobbing. There was a stack of extra napkins on the table that’d been left by the waitress the last time she checked on him.
My initial reaction was that Luigi perhaps had received some bad news that day, or possibly wasn’t feeling well, and had decided to fulfill his media obligations anyway, displaying the professionalism I’d long hoped my hero would have.
Nothing could be further from the truth, however, as I quickly learned Luigi is just a huge mess, man. Dude is struggling.
I did my best.
~~~~
Hard Drive: Hey Luigi, thank you so much for meeting me. I’m really thrilled to get to speak with you today.
Luigi: I’m-a so scared, I think I am-a going to die.
Hard Drive: Oh no, is everything okay?
Luigi: Eh, this is how I generally-a feel. So yes and-a no.
Hard Drive: I see. Well just the same, thank you for meeting me.
Luigi: No problem. Let’s-a try to eat and maybe we’ll feel better.
~~
Just then a car drove by the diner and honked its horn, prompting Luigi to scream “I’m-a gonna die!”
After awkwardly convincing the other patrons it was a bizarre joke, I attempted to resume the interview.
~~
Hard Drive: Does that happen a lot?
Luigi: Does what happen a lot?
Hard Drive: Do you get scared and scream “I’m gonna die,” when you hear a car horn, even while you’re indoors?
Luigi: Oh, yeah. That happens a lot.
Hard Drive: What do you think is going to make you die?
Luigi: Oh, it’s a general sense of dread that I feel. I don’t have a hyper specific scenario in mind. It’s just a feeling, like being hungry, or falling in love. I just-a feel like I’m-a gonna die all the time. Mamma mia! Oh no!
Hard Drive: This surprises me, and I’m sure it would surprise a lot of your fans. We’ve all seen you do some pretty brave things. You’ve been fighting Smash for years, you participated in all kinds of sports.
Luigi: That sounds scary!
Hard Drive: No, listen, I’ve seen you do these things.
Luigi: Mamma mia!
Hard Drive: Luigi, I am telling you, I can think of a dozen things I’ve seen you do that are scarier than a car horn. Do you understand why this would be confusing for me?
Luigi: I understand. Really, I do. And I think the answer is simple. When Mario is around, I feel less scared of everything. He is my big brother, my best friend, and the only one that makes this big cold world any less scary. I know that we’re practically the same person on a lot of levels, but he’s so much more brave than me. Than anybody. I love Mario. He makes it-a okay.
Hard Drive: You say this, but I’ve seen some pretty gnarly footage of Mario hitting you with shells and stuff.
Luigi: He just-a do that to make me-a tougher. Like a good brother. He explained this to me.
Hard Drive: I suppose that makes a bit of sense. Thanks for sharing that with me Luigi, I think people will really enjoy reading what you said about your brother.
Luigi: Sure. Say, can I ask-a you something?
Hard Drive: Sure, Luigi. Anything.
Luigi: Do you think I’m-a gonna die today?
Hard Drive: What? No! Why would you think that?
Luigi: Just-a something in my bones, I guess.
Hard Drive: That says you’re gonna die today?
Luigi: That’s right.
Hard Drive: And it feels pretty serious?
Luigi: Oh yeah, big time.
Hard Drive: How did you feel yesterday? And the day before that?
Luigi: The same. Exact same. Every day, always the same-a.
Hard Drive: And?
Luigi: I did not die.
Hard Drive: Do you see what I’m getting at?
~~~
Just then the waitress approached our table, dropping off some more napkins and checking to see if we were ready to order. I was. I’d hoped Luigi was, too. He had been looking at the menu as we chatted, but as soon as the server introduced herself, Luigi was under the table, sobbing, and calling me a liar. I hopped down there to try and comfort him.
~~~
Luigi: You said I wasn’t going to die!
Hard Drive: You didn’t die! That woman just wanted to take your order!
Luigi: Ahh! Leave me alone down here!
Hard Drive: Sure thing, Luigi. I can give you a minute. I’m gonna be up above the table if you want to join me, okay?
Luigi: Okay.
~~~
Occasionally Luigi would try to conquer his crying, the noises coming from beneath the table shifting from open mouth wails to forced breathing through gritted teeth. The more he tried to calm down, the more upset he got. He started making those short, stabby breaths that kids do when they’re crying. One guy walked up to my table and asked if that was Luigi I was talking to down there. I lied and said it was my son currently crying under the table and begging to go home. It was the quickest excuse I could think of. The guy looked at me like he didn’t believe me. He had probably seen Luigi’s mustache.
What was I supposed to do? Luigi made this big stink about meeting me at this diner, because he didn’t want anyone to know where he lives “no matter what happens.” We hadn’t even gotten our drinks yet and he was pleading with me to take him home.
I tell him I just have to use the restroom and that I will take him home after that. It’s a lie. Instead, I scramble home to write up what I believe to be the interview of a lifetime. At this point, I’ve been scared for weeks that I would meet Luigi and not be able to turn it into a decent article, tossing and turning at night because of my doubts.
The night I left Luigi under the table at Bob Evans, crying and frantically checking his pulse, I slept better than I had in months.
~~~
