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‘Tears of the Kingdom’ Spoilers Leak as Nintendo Uncles Prepare to Strike

REDMOND, Wash. — Spoilers for Nintendo’s upcoming Zelda game Tears of the Kingdom have begun to leak as uncles working at the company prepare a strike, according to those familiar with the situation.

“As the keepers of the spoilers, we can’t help but feel like this is management leaking stuff last minute to make us look bad as we come to negotiate a better contract,” said Saul Kaufman, union captain for The United Guild of Nintendo Uncles (UGNU). “We’re not asking for anything unfair here. We want better pay, better working conditions, better secrets to give to our nephews so they can look cool in front of their friends in elementary school, and better safety precautions. We don’t want to give away secrets that we feel Nintendo doesn’t have — we just want an equitable amount. These days, being an uncle who works at Nintendo is becoming a job that people simply cannot afford to have and it makes me sad.”

According to close sources, Nintendo is doing what they can to prolong the strike without having to negotiate better terms for the uncles they employ.

“Ahead of the uncles strike, Nintendo is looking around to hire dozens of older men with no nieces or nephews, and in some drastic cases, no siblings at all, to work as scabs,” said one insider who wished to remain anonymous. “We also know that Nintendo is looking to shed some heftier projects they couldn’t get out of and want to use the strike as an excuse. So any uncle-related projects, like Master Chief coming to the new Smash Bros. or the new Pokemon game in development where you get to use a gun, could end up on the cutting room floor. We don’t know for sure if the current Tears of the Kingdom leak is from Nintendo itself or just because the uncles are preparing not to go to work tomorrow, but it definitely looks like a good sign for the UGNU.”

At press time, uncles working at Nintendo were reportedly making signs that say “here’s a spoiler: we want better treatment!” and “my uncle works at Nintendo… when he can afford to!”