KYOTO, Japan — A new patch to The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom adds a lifetime of sinning to each of the Koroks in the game so that players feel better about torturing them.
“We want players to feel like there’s no wrong way to play Tears of the Kingdom, and looking at the data, about 95% of players felt that meant they should physically and emotionally torture any Korok they come across in increasingly horrifying and creative ways,” said Tears of the Kingdom director Hidemaro Fujibayashi. “But that isn’t a very good way to play if the Koroks are innocent, we believe. And instead of trying to force players to go against their instincts, we encourage those feelings. That’s our design philosophy, and why we felt it necessary to patch into the game all the sins these Koroks have committed. So players can feel good about the choices they make.”
“And they’ve done all sorts of sinning,” he continued. “From the big bad ones, like murdering innocent Hylians for no reason other than to watch them suffer, to stealing and jay-walking. The Koroks may cry out in pain as you torture them rather than help them find their friend on the other side of a chasm…but now that the patch has gone through, they know what they did. And they deserve every bit of pain they receive from Link and his magical abilities. They make me sick.”
Fans have been split on the decision, however.
“This rules! I love torturing Koroks, but was always worried that they were innocent creatures who deserve kindness. Now I can torture in peace!” said Twitter user @Zeldurrrr8873. “Welcome to Hell, fuckos!”
“Meh. For me, knowing that the Koroks have done nothing wrong is like the whole fun of making them feel eternal pain,” said Reddit user u/THE_CUM_GUY_666. “I will probably just play offline so that I never have to download the patch. Pretty annoying, but worth it so that I can keep torturing innocent souls. Ever since I watched that TV show Westworld, I was like, ‘I wanna do that.’”
At press time, Nintendo announced another patch will eventually come to Tears of the Kingdom that will ensure Link’s status as officially above the law of Hyrule.
