KYOTO, Japan — At least seven Nintendo attorneys have been stuck together with some form of epoxy in an unorthodox attempt to seek damages from individuals who leaked a highly-anticipated title before its release date, sources at the company confirmed.
“We can see here that the game was leaked onto the internet before May 12th,” said Zelda director Eiji Aonuma during a surprise Nintendo Direct, speaking over footage of the company’s legal department investigating the infringing streams. “For previous games, we might have tried to sue them with one lawyer. This time, they may live in far away or difficult-to-reach places, so it’s possible we’ll need to do something different. Here, let’s try sticking these attorneys together and see what happens.”
Nintendo of America counsel Daniel Wilkerson said that he was caught off guard by the company’s new strategy.
“I’m still not certain what happened, to be honest,” said Wilkerson, who had been elected the de facto spokesperson for the clumsy ball of limbs and briefcases. “Myself and another lawyer from the states had been called in to advise on the matter. I arrived at the meeting before my partner, but Mr. Aonuma was eager to begin. He asked if it would help to use more lawyers. I told him, ‘Sure, I just need to find my friend.’ That’s when the glue came out.”
Legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto said that he had been asked to weigh in on the matter, even though he has preferred a more hands-off approach in recent years.
“Aonuma-san wanted to know if I thought this was the right path forward for our mission to destroy unauthorized gameplay,” said Miyamoto. “I advised him that the most important thing is to ensure that the solution to this problem is satisfying and fun. He was far too concerned with the story of how we would catch the leakers. I made sure that all of that was cut and that he returned his focus to the mechanics of how we will ruin their lives.”
At press time, sources reported that the lawyers began shouting in panic as Aonuma approached the wriggling mass of suits with more glue and an armful of rockets.
