BLOOMINGTON, Ill. — Gamer Todd Newton has recently begun overly-identifying as Link, the silent protagonist of the video game The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, sources close to the situation have reported.
“He’s always been a bit shy, but now it’s gone too far,” childhood friend Laurie Gunther said. “He just stares blankly at me as I talk, his wide eyes glazed over as if he were mashing a metaphorical A-button to get me to shut up. After I’ve finished, he usually shakes his head yes or no, even though most of the time I didn’t even ask a question! I think he’s going for a whole stoic thing, but it can definitely be a bit frustrating to deal with at times.”
Newton’s parents have shown concern for his ability to slip into the quiet character’s shoes so easily.
“Our son has always been overwhelmed by his video games,” mother Tanya Newton proclaimed, tears rolling down her eyes. “But now he has gone completely nonverbal. We should have gotten him something where he can fit into a pre-existing character role like a Final Fantasy or something. But no, his father said that turned-based games are boring. So, we never get more than an occasional grunt or hiyah from our boy.”
Even the creators of the character have realized their grave error.
“When we decided to make Link silent, it was to ensure that the player could input their personality into the character,” Legend of Zelda developer and director Takashi Tezuka said. “However, we should have known that some people may have extenuating circumstances, or at worst, no personality at all, thus creating a feedback loop of silence that we’ve yet to penetrate. Hopefully, when we unleash the Switch-U, our newest Zelda game will fix this issue by including a Link that never shuts the fuck up. Everyone will love it.”
At press time, Newton refused to reply to our questions, instead opting to roll around us and smash our equipment on the floor.
