TOKYO — Video game developer and pachinko titan Konami attempted to draw attention away from the underwhelming reception of its recently released Metal Gear Solid: Master Collection by covertly distributing obscene periodicals to individuals who had purchased the game, suddenly horny sources confirmed.
“I was just getting ready to do my usual complaining rounds,” said Keith McKenna, an avid Metal Gear fan. “I figured I’d start with some hateful comments on Reddit before leaving a few vitriolic replies on X, formerly Twitter. But right as I was sitting down to get to work, I noticed something that seemed out of place: a magazine with a bodacious babe on the cover! She was barely dressed, leaving little to the imagination. Still, I was compelled to peek between the pages and see if she might give up those last few secrets. Before long, I was entranced by the photos within, and completely forgot about my grievances with Konami.”
Despite the accusations, Konami has denied any involvement in the matter.
“How could we possibly plant porno mags in the homes of every single person who purchased the collection?” said Takuya Kozuki, the company’s president. “Even if we had the personnel to do that, the stakes would simply be too high. They couldn’t risk being seen. It would have to be some sort of sneaking mission, and that’s just absurd. No one would have the patience for that.”
Series creator Hideo Kojima, who had no involvement in the development of the recent collection, noted his disapproval of Konami’s alleged actions.
“There are just so many other ways they could have accomplished this mission,” said Kojima. “If they needed to resort to tricks, they could have hid beneath a cardboard box and shot the whining gamers with a tranquilizer dart when they were looking the other way. Or they could have knocked on the wall and stunned their targets with CQC when they came to investigate. Hell, I bet if they had simply waited two weeks in real time, the complaints would have just died away naturally.”
At press time, Konami had successfully avoided further criticism by crouching in a corner and smoking a Phantom Cigar.