ST. PAUL, Minn. — Iconic Nintendo mascot Kirby recently delivered a deceased soldier’s mother the news she feared most while bearing a suspiciously familiar haircut, sources have confirmed.
“Oh my poor baby, I just don’t believe he’s gone,” said Sue Corbin, mother of fallen soldier Frederick Corbin, shortly after being informed of his demise by the star of Kirby’s Adventure. “I am still a little confused as to why Kirby had his exact haircut, also I noticed he used a few of the same phrases and slang my Freddy always used. Kirby said they’d grown real close over there, so I guess maybe he rubbed off on him a little. But also, his story didn’t really add up. You two were in a foxhole together and he got massacred and you’re fine? Not sure I’m buying it.”
The deceased soldier’s mother wasn’t the only one skeptical of the official government claim.
“Kirby 100 percent ate that woman’s son,” said a popular post on Reddit. “Don’t let the media turn this into another Pat Tillman situation. There was nothing heroic here, just the American war machine gobbling up its own, which will always be an acceptable amount of collateral damage so long as they’re able to command a budget of $800 billion a year. Shame on the American government. Shame on Kirby for eating that guy.”
Nintendo executives confirmed that this was merely the latest incident during a troubling time in Kirby’s career.
“Well, that’s Kirby for you,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “When we started making cute little platformers, he really was such a charming little guy. You can see why people took to him and why he became so beloved. Once he achieved sentience and left our computers in 2021 though, it’s been a little dicey. On one hand, I’m glad he’s doing something noble like serving the in U.S. Army, but on the other hand, it sounds like it’s been a pretty bad influence in him. Maybe we’ll get him back into the computers one day. That’d be nice.”
As of press time, Kirby was spotted driving the dead soldier’s car around town with the dude’s old girlfriend in there.
